Denice Marciner

In this economy?

Actually my step mom in every economy please! Somehow I got blessed with a step mom that didn’t give a shit about whether or not we shared the same blood. She showed up every single day, for every single moment.

My first memory of my step mom was her and my dad picking me up from my grandmothers house in Oakland and me telling her she’s yellow. LMAO. I was like 4 and had never talked to white people before I was flummoxed at her existence.

When I say I’m a daughter without a mother, I know it’s tough for her to hear, because for all intents and purposes she was/is my mother.

She was truly my protector – I was so afraid of my dad as a child. And she had no issue standing 10 toes against him. To the point where whoopings only came when she or my step siblings weren’t home.

She made dinner, did my hair, took me to and from any extracurricular I was signed up for. We lived in a predominantly white area. The only fully black people in my house were me and my dad, I had an identity crisis early. She was the one that taught me to love my blackness (as much as a white woman can – mostly by telling me the white girls paid to have my skin color and features.)

I’ll never have the words to thank her for all of the things she’s done for me. And all of the times she’s shown up.

And still I’m a daughter without a mother. While she did everything she could to make me feel connected…. I didn’t. Internally I was spiraling. I had a biological mother that didn’t want me and a father that was…(another story for a different post). Both things mess you up a bit, I never talked about it. I think everyone thought it never bothered me. So I acted like it didn’t. I tried my best to not make any waves in the house. Earn my spot in the family. It was hard for my kid brain to understand I probably didn’t need to earn my spot – so I lied constantly out of self preservation. It never worked.

But this is getting a little beside the point.

While I don’t really have anything to compare it to other than what I saw my step siblings have with my step mom. My relationship wasn’t the same with her. And it wasn’t for lack of her trying, I just never voiced what I needed or how I felt outside of crying. And boy did I cry a lot. I cried every time someone raised their voice at me. Every single time there was a bit of an inflection in someone’s voice. As I’ve gotten older I have realized the outside stuff was a contributing factor but the inside feelings I was holding in were spilling over. And the box I held them in was fracturing.

And then she was gone. No she didn’t pass – my parents for divorced. It was at this moment I realized how important this relationship was. She wasn’t there to tell I started my period for the first time, she was no longer at any of my extracurriculars, she wasn’t at my high school graduation, I wasn’t allowed to talk to her. And again not a reflection of anyone besides my dad, but my hormonal teenage brain found it difficult to process. It began to feel like I can’t keep a mother. And you start to question what the hell is wrong with you that women keep walking out of your life.

She’s the same woman who tried to fight for custody of me without a leg to stand on!! What happened you may ask? My dad told her she was no longer allowed to speak to me.

So I did it, life without her. She was always in the back of my mind but I was without her. From the age of 4, I never imagined a life without her. So when I was finally able to, I reached out. Thankfully, it was clear her love for me never changed. But in the back of my mind I always wonder – am I going to have to do life without you again?

Now she’s remarried and we all hang out. I love her new husband. I call him dub-step in my head because I think that’s hilarious and step X2. Get it??

I’ll see myself out.

I haven’t called him that to his face but I’m sure I’ll slip up one day.

I gained another step sister and I love her so much.

No matter how much therapy I go through I still wonder – do I have to earn my place in this family again? No matter how much therapy I go through – I don’t know if that feeling will ever go away. I feel like I constantly bring up old fun times because it reminds the little me inside that I belong, I have history here. For the first time I was able to speak to my step mom about a boy… At 30 I finally was able to have a mother-daughter conversation about a boy.

With her in my life I feel a little less like a daughter without a mother. I find myself still trying to figure out how to daughter. I’ve never had to. I see how often my siblings call and text her and I’m like, “am I supposed to do that?” I feel like a deadbeat daughter sometimes! LOL. Like what do I do with a mom? Do I feed it?

And maybe one day we’ll get there. Maybe one day I’ll get over that feeling of “everyone leaves”. Because honestly it’s exhausting. But yes – in this economy I would love to have and to keep this step mom… THIS MOM. In a world where I am a daughter without a mother – I was somehow blessed with a step mom that fills the space 100x over.